Dog Contest 1

Blonde Flying First Class

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They
tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes
back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

I was having trouble with my computer

So I called JIM the computer guy, to come over. JIM clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. 

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" 

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" 

"No," I replied. 

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." 

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

Women's Lament: 

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her
that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

Dog Contest 2

Dear Abby

---TOOO GOOOD to BELIEVE!! 

The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted herself she was at a loss to answer: 

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? 

x X x

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and  violence on my VCR? 

x X x

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. 

x X x

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him. 

x X x

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again. 

x X x

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? 

x X x

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out? 

x X x

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. 

x X x

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. 

x X x

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it. 

x X x

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. 

x X x 

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor. 

Tomato Man


An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test,the manager said, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor a e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means
that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by  Microsoft." 

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10.00 in his wallet, he buys a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100.00 before going to sleep that night. Thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. 

Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits
quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some
life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance
plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation,
the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned.

"What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"  

"Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"

By definition, a fable must have a moral. This one has four:

The nice men are ugly. 
The handsome men are not nice. 
The handsome and nice men are gay. 
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. 
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. 
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. 
The handsome men without money are after our money. 
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. 
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards. 
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!! 
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. 
And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex???

Economics 101

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

ENRON / VP CHANEY VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to our listed company.The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. 
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. 
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. 
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A TEXAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

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