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Women...



The next kin...

Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
the local police station. 

The conversation went like this: "Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt.
Flaherty. How might I help ye?" 

"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" 

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the
conversation proceeded: "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!" 


Dangerous Food

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago. 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

A Cowboy

An old, grizzly looking, leather-faced cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his tall, straight whiskey, an attractive young lady sat down next to him. 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" 

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on a ranch, herding horses, mending fences, rounding up and branding cattle, so I guess I am a real
cowboy. 

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything
seems to make me think about women, all day, every day." 

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" 

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." 



Had to do it . . .

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come

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"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." 

 


The pee test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.

It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo.

  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

  4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

  5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


New York's WTC lights

JD's Collection 


Register  

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. 

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." 

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable." 

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff....."



Saturday night

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. 

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. ! And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. 

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."  

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

 


THƯGIÃN (Thưdãn)

Xem trang 
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Ðịnhnghĩa: 1) Tạonên sựgiãnnở cơthịt
2) Tạonên tinhthần thoảimái và vuivẻ, 3) Sựgiảitrí, hưởngthụ thoảimái...[relax]
(Xinmời gópvui -- bấtcứ thểtài vuinhộn nào!)

 on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." 

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." 


OVERWEIGHT BLONDE 

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" 

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." 

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping." 

RIVER WALK 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" 

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side." 

KNITTING 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" 

BLONDE ON THE SUN 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" 

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" 

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" 

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" 

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" 

THE VACUUM 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" 

FINAL EXAM 

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. 

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. 

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." 

Blonde Football

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big Oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" 

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" 


Frivolity Pays!

Oh how boring life would be if we didn't have stupid people doing stupid things giving us reason to make fun of them!!!! The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuits in the U.S.

The following are previous year's candidates:

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little kid was Ms. Robertson's son.

June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical 
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn' t reenter the house because the door connecting the house garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. 

Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard.  The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and brokeher coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. 
Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. 

In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor 
home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. 

Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks after this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)


 

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