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Women...
Father
O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his
bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He
promptly called Dangerous
Food "The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water." |
A Cowboy An old, grizzly
looking, leather-faced cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
sipping his tall, straight whiskey, an attractive young lady sat down next
to him.
Had to do it . . . A girl asks her
boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This
being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she
would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come |
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"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
The pee test One
day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
New York's WTC lights
JD's Collection Register
It was time for
Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene,
had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had
instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father
John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do,
and pray. The next morning
the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh,
sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved." "Saved? And
how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when
Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I
was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said
the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he
now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene
continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my
lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured
salvation and eternal peace. ! And then Father John guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock." "Is that a
fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it
hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often
painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked
old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
THƯGIÃN (Thưdãn) Xem
trang |
on in."
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten
minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." OVERWEIGHT BLONDE A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all
that skipping." There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde
looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on
the other side." A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the
blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde
replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" A police officer
stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!" A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." Blonde
Football After the game he
asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked
it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other for 25 cents." "Well I saw
them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all
they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!" There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big Oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" Frivolity
Pays! Mr. Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of
Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of half a million dollars. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks after this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
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