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Miss Brazil


Honesty 
John Diep's Collections

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared. 

"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter told Him that he had dropped his 
axe into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden 
axe. 

"Is this your axe?", God asked. 

"No" 

God again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked. 

"No". 

God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked. 

"Yes". 

God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes. 

The woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his 
wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God 
appeared. 

"Why are you crying?" 

"My wife has fallen into water." 

 A Little Old Lady

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" 

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) 
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.

"Where did you get this money?" 
The old lady replied, "I make bets." 

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
are square." 

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" 
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" 
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. 

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!" 

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. 
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. 
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." 

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. 
The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

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God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this 
your wife?", God asked. 

"Yes", he said. 

God was furious, "You cheat! Now I am going to curse you......" 

The woodcutter quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. 
If I say NO to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. 
If I also say NO to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will 
say YES. Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that's why I said YES!" 

Fishing Is My Hobby! 

I recently met a new fishing buddy named Sam. 
Sam loves to fish as much as I do. The wife has never met Sam and always feels that I spend too much time fishing. 

The other day I took a picture of Sam holding up two nice bass that we caught. I showed the picture to the wife. Now the wife says that I can't go fishing with Sam anymore and wants me to sell the boat. Guess the wife doesn't like me enjoying myself with my fishing buddy! Maybe it's because Sam is a better fisherman than her, I don't know. 

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue fishing 
with Sam, 

OR 

Quit fishing and sell the boat?

Here is the picture of the two fish that Sam took:

Really Into It!

Once there was an obstetrician, who was getting home late, and constantly thinking about his work. Really was wound up in it. 

His wife suggested perhaps he needed a
hobby to otherwise occupy his mind and give him a little relief. He thought that was a resonable idea, and went to the local Jr. College to see what things they offered. He found an auto mechanics class that was something he always wanted to do. 

He signed up to learn more about autos and wound up taking engines apart and putting them back together, troubleshooting problems, and had a really good time at it.

Finally the time came for the final
exam. The test was for each student to assemble the parts of a complete
engine and exhaust system and
make it run for the instructor. 

Most of the students finished in two
classes, but it took to good Dr. over a
week. After several classes he was finally ready to turn the key for the
instructor and start the engine for
the instructor. Brrrrrroooooomm! It started up and he and the instructor
were both elated. 

He was quite concerned about his grade, because it took him so long to complete the job. Later he received his "report
card" and the grade was an "A+". 

He called the instructor to thank him, and
asked if the "A+" was the usual grade for starting the engine. "Not quite said the instructor, usually I just give "A's", but yours was such an accomplishment I felt you deserved something special so I added the "+".

"What was so special on mine?" inquired the Dr. "Well, you're the only student I ever had who did the whole thing through the tail pipe!!!" 

 

Where to Send the Bill to...

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. 

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. 

He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. 

He replied, "No money in the bank." 

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." 

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God," The patient replies, "send the bill to my brother-in-law.". 

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky


ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. 

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. 

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." 

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. 

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. 

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. 

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION. 

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. 

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. 

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" 

 

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