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Men
vs. Women - I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. Also, I never have figured out how sexual desire gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do." One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she then says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?!" So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which say, "OK." And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited! She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. |
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Woman's
Dictionary Tips:
1. "Fine" > This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.) 2. "Five minutes" > This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade. 3. "Nothing" > "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." 4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) > This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine." 5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) > This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 6. "Loud Sigh" > This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!." 7. "Soft Sigh" > Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer. 8. "Oh" > This word-followed by any statement is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow."Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. 9. "That's Okay" > This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine' and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble. 10. "Please Do" > This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." 11. "Thanks" > The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome." 12. "Thanks A Lot" > "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you, "Nothing."
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